Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Fattest In The Room

There is no feeling quite like the one of feeling you are the fattest woman in the room.  There is just something about that awful feeling that can really cut you to the core.
It's that feeling of wishing you were faceless, invisible, but your brain is telling you that you are fatter than every other woman in the room and that everyone is staring at your muffin top and back fat.  In your heart you know that no one is really staring at your gut, but you just can't shake the feeling that they are; that they all are.  But now it's not only your mid section, but your jiggling arms and jelly-like booty.  Oh no, what if they notice the zit that's about to come up on your chin and your unpolished toenails?  At this point you are really wishing that you'd spent a little more time on your hair and possibly invested in a Spanx.  Just a random thought on Spanx... where does the fat go?  I mean, it has to go somewhere... right?

Anyway... Luckily, days like these are pretty rare for me now; for a few reasons (I'm still fat, believe me).  One, I have a loving and supportive husband who always makes me feel beautiful.  Two, I try to surround myself with people who aren't superficial and who cherish me for my friendship (and I cherish their friendship).  Three, I know who I am and I know that it is a huge disservice to myself to let my catastrophic thoughts run wild.  Four, I know that I am, as always, a work in progress.
But still, there are times when you simply cannot make yourself feel positive.  We all have those days.  Most days in my workout classes, I scan the mirror and I truly am the fattest in the room.  There are days in Zumba when I can't make myself forget that I jiggle WAY better than I shimmy.  There are days, like today, when I realize that I've only been to one cardio class since Thanksgiving and the scale says I'm up 2 pounds... crap.

But then you have these AMAZING days that you don't care what skinny little twit is next to you in the gym because you feel great!  Those are the days I love, the days when your hair lays just right, and you feel good in your jeans, and there aren't any pimples in sight.  Shouldn't every day be like that?  I don't mean to come off as being exceedingly superficial and self-absorbed.  But we all know that there are times when the way we appear (or the way we think we appear) can really affect how we feel.
I think it's important to feel comfortable in who we are all the time.  To love ourselves in the body God gave us, no matter how hard that may be sometimes.  To not let 2 pounds (it's after Christmas for crying out loud) ruin your day.  After all, does it really matter what our bodies look like, or is it really what's on the inside that counts?  I know what I believe, but society has a screaming In-Your-Face opposing view.

I imagine that's what I will struggle with the most in this weight loss journey, the set backs (because they will  happen).  I want to love myself along the way, but it's difficult not to get frustrated when you see yourself make poor choices.  But, to my defense, I am working on the portion control (successfully some days, unsuccessfully others) and I've been off "the hooch" (soda and caffeine) for 3 1/2 months.  So that's one accomplishment I can be proud of.
The most important thing of all, is to focus on being healthy.  Like I've said many times, I don't want to be skinny (mostly because I've come to terms with the fact that I never will be), I just want to love myself.

Be healthy, love yourself... and remember you're In Good Company.

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