Thursday, March 3, 2011

Gluttony

Gluttony \ˈglət-nē, ˈglə-tə-nē\  2. excess in eating or drinking  3. greedy or excessive indulgence
I feel like Gluttony is more accurately defined as the SERIOUS failure in self-discipline.  I am a master of gluttony.  Because I, apparently, love feeling like crap, I decided to add up my caloric intake for the day.  I knew it wouldn't be good.  Normally I don't allow myself to count calories (I can get out of control pretty easily), but I was kind of feeling like I needed a reality check.  I have been gorging myself on cookies the past few days, and for some reason I thought that my lunch should be double the recommended serving size and that dinner should be Chinese food, followed by a peanut butter cup 'Mix' (made with chocolate ice cream, of course) from Braum's.  What is wrong with me?!?!  Don't answer that.
I know a while back I started a sugar detox.  I lasted two days.  Count 'em... two days.  This was supposed to be a process of a seven days, minimum.  If my math is correct, and I believe it is (although math isn't my strong suit), two is quite a bit less than seven.  I can blame it on cookies, or ice cream, or whatever else I managed to scrounge up (believe me, by the end of day two, even my son's Flintstones vitamins were looking pretty good).  But if I'm being honest, the blame should fall on me.  I have no will-power.  But I don't push the limits of my will-power either.  I say I want to lose weight and to be fit and healthy, but I have been pouring buckets of self-defeat all over myself.  I can't expect to ever be satisfied with my body if I continue this type of behavior.  I have almost become okay with being fat, joking about it to make it not seem so bad.  I've settled for a 50 pound weight loss, even though I still need to shed another 50-70.  I don't want to be stay fat all my life.  I still don't want to be skinny, but I do want to be healthy.
I am forever going to be a fat girl if I don't make some changes.  I think one of my biggest stumbling blocks is that I am terrified of failure.  Sometimes, I get it stuck in my head that I won't succeed, then I don't try as hard as I should (or at all), because I have already failed in my mind.  Another stumbling block I have is that I am stubborn as a mule, and that is an enormous understatement.  If someone gives me advice on what not to eat, my attitude automatically becomes 'I can eat what I want, I'll show them'.  Instead of taking well-meant advice, I try to 'show them' by making myself fatter?  It doesn't even make any sense.  I heard a speaker a few years ago who asked us to raise our hand if we felt we were stubborn.  He then told us to replace the word 'stubborn' with the word 'unwilling'.  Isn't my behavior screaming that I am unwilling to get healthy?  Aren't I saying to those around me that I love food more than I love life?  After all, won't continuing to overindulge eventually give me high blood pressure, heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, etc.?
I know that I am being a little dramatic.  I have a tendency to do that sometimes (my close friends and family members are likely smirking right now).  I know I'm not crazy fat and I exercise plenty.  But I'm certainly not healthy.  I don't drink enough water (which is a whole other issue), I eat too much, and the food I eat is generally unhealthy.  I was planning on starting a new sugar detox tomorrow, with new focus and drive, but then I thought about my leftover sweet and sour chicken in the fridge (that sauce sure is sugary, and cold Chinese makes for an amazing breakfast).  Again, what is wrong with me?!?!  Again, please don't answer that.  I truly think I am addicted to eating crap (not literal crap, figurative crap - in case you weren't sure).  I will never be able obtain my next weight loss goals this way.
So the final count of my calorie intake for today?  2145.  Yep.  945 calories more than the recommended intake for weight loss (please pick your jaw up off the floor).  And I had to guess on a few items, so it's very likely more than 2145.  I'm a little embarrassed to share that with you, but I have got to start holding myself accountable when it comes to making decisions regarding food.  I was up a pound last time I weighed in, and instead of making wiser decisions, I made stupid ones.  I felt like I failed, so I was trying to fail more?  That makes a whole heck of a lot of sense.

I'm not exactly sure what my plan of action is from this point.  I may start a food journal, and I may start working on counting calories (there are tons of great websites to help with this), I may just start measuring all my portions, I'm not sure yet, but I've got to do something.  I can't expect to get healthy while not eating healthily.  It's just not good logic.
Get motivated.  Get healthy.  Love yourself.  And remember... you're In Good Company.

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