Thursday, July 21, 2011

Not today.

The honeymoon is over.  The allure is gone.  The excitement has left the building.  Officially.  Gone.  Done.  Outta here.  I'm grouchy.  I'm mean.  I'm tired of it.  Of course I'm talking about my choice to eat healthy and exercise daily.  What did you think I meant?

When I reinstated 'Operation Get Healthy', I was so excited to start making healthy choices.  Too excited, maybe.  I gazed lovingly at the wonderful array of produce available at the local market.  My mind was full of rainbows and butterflies.  I was ready to make this happen.  Ready to stop being unhealthy, to stop being fat.

Would you like to know what I'm ready for today?  A Blizzard.  From Dairy Queen.  Not just any Blizzard, no, I want a large Triple Chocoholic Blizzard -- with extra chocolate.  Pronto.  I am also ready for a cheeseburger, french fries, chips with guacamole, strawberry cheesecake, pancakes (with butter, peanut butter, and syrup), and piles of chocolate chip cookies.  It feels like an eternity since I've had anything sweet or delicious.  I have been working hard -- really hard -- at the gym.  And I can't make my mind understand why I have only shed 3 pounds in the last 11 days instead of 60.  I am mad -- really mad.  I'm not above praying for a magic Skinny-Yet-Strong-and-Sexy pill and a box of cookies with the caloric content of a stalk of celery.  I'm also not opposed to, at this very moment, giving up and telling myself that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm fat.

I don't want to eat another tomato or avocado, and I don't want to drink another glass of lemon water.  I want to bury my face in a pan of quadruple fudge brownies and cry myself to sleep.  I want to quit trying and blame my weight on PCOS.  I want to tell myself that I can eat what I want as long as I have a healthy personality.  I want to drive to the market, and buy one (or two) of every sugary, greasy, fattening, calorie bomb they sell.  And I could.  There's no one stopping me.  I've been so edgy tonight that my husband may be glad to have me out of the house for a while.  But the thing is, if I cheat tonight, I will feel defeated tomorrow.  Defeated, deflated, unhealthy.  And you know what?  Those are things I have been feeling for entirely too long.  I have been angrily content with being fat and now I am determined to change that.  I have control over this.  I do.  I have allowed my love for junk food, my unfortunate hormone situation, and my past illnesses have control over 'right now' for too many days, weeks, months, and years.  I won't allow it any longer.

I am choosing to gain control over my 'right now'.  I am choosing to make it through this evening of unhealthy cravings.  Because after all, Scarlett, tomorrow is another day.  If I can make it to bedtime without having to write down any junk in my food journal, then tomorrow will feel much brighter.  Tomorrow, I may be enamored once again with asparagus, grapefruit, and granola.  Tomorrow, I will be proud of the wise choices I made today, and maybe won't feel a deep sense of hatred toward the vegetables, fruits, and grains I will put on my plate.  Tomorrow, I will know that I don't have to cheat when I have a junk-food craving.  And maybe the day after that, I won't crave anything unhealthy at all.

Most importantly, tomorrow I will feel like I am working toward my goal -- instead of working backward to make up for the chocolaty treat I would love to have right now.  I don't want to run in place.  I don't want to lose three pounds, 'reward' myself, and then start all over -- again.  I want to get healthy, and the only way to do that is if I continue to make healthy choices.  This is a battle, and it's not easy.  But it's worth it -- at least it will be.  In the meantime it's not easy physically, emotionally, or mentally.  Today I don't feel satisfied with health-food.  Today I feel jealous of the girls who were blessed with naturally thin physiques.  Today I feel sad, mean, and tired.  But I am determined to win this battle.  I am determined to get healthy.  I will eventually lose more weight, gain more muscle, gain confidence, and lose the fat-shackles I have been dragging around.  And by the grace of God, I will not be defeated.  Not today.

Get healthy.  Love yourself.  And thanks for keeping me... In Good Company.

1 comment:

  1. You're not alone Kelsey. Thanks for writing this.


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