|This is an example of a fake real smile, because, as you can see, my son |
was in the middle of what my friend Kendra calls a WAF.
|Just kidding. Probably.|
It's during these little bouts of extra crazy that I tend to really battle stupid Body Dismorphia. I become totally blind to the progress that I have made, and see every pound that has been shed, still glued to my "problem areas." I suppose it might be the same as someone having an itchy toe even after having his/her foot has been amputated. Maybe I'm having phantom blubber symptoms. Whatever it is called, I hate it. I want to be proud of myself for what I have accomplished, but during these periods, I just can't.
It is also during these times that I tend to really struggle with what I like to call the "Stare and Compare Game." I don't usually tend to compare weight, sizes, and shapes with those around me (unless the rare supermodel shows up in all spandex at my gym), not anymore; but I do tend to compare abilities. I consistently feel like I am the weakest and slowest person in my CrossFit group. I almost always come in last. And most of the time, I'm totally fine with it. But there are other times that it gets under my skin like you wouldn't believe. There are times when I just want to quit because I am not winning. Ever. I know it's not about that, I know I should be competing with myself, I know that this is about me, blah blah blah. I know all that. I really do. And I am so very proud of all of my amazing CrossFit sisters for their abilities. But sometimes, I just want to do really really great. I get so frustrated when I can't Military Press the same amount as the next girl, or when a newbie shows up my Dead Lift by 30 lbs. I want to punch myself in the face (maybe more metaphorically then literally) whenever I have to slow the treadmill because running is hard for me.
I expressed my frustrations to our coach and he explained to me that many of my CrossFit sisters were high school and college athletes and that they have 8 years (at least) of training on me. He assured me that I am improving, but that everyone else is too. It made me feel better, but I still wanted to pout. I mean, I'm a CrossFitter! I should be a total bad-a**, right? I don't feel like a bad-a** on the days when I can only use a 15" box for Box Jumps and the other girls are using 20". One of my fellow CrossFitters told me one day, "I'm always last in my group too, but who cares? I always ask my self: Did I kick my own a** today? Yes I did! And that's what matters." This gave me a really good chuckle and helped me climb out of the murky waters of self-pity in which I had been unsuccessfully wading.
|Did we kick our own a**es that day? Yes we did! Look at all that sweat!|
I'm at a really good place right now. I do know that I will always have occasions that I struggle with depression and anxiety, and some of those bouts will be worse than others. But, for right now, I am going to choose to be proud of what I have accomplished so far. I am going to look at how far I have come, and not how far I have to go. I am going to try to keep that ever-important perspective, so that I will continue to try hard each and every day.
|This is the back of my favorite workout shirt from Strong is the New Skinny.|