Monday, May 14, 2012

Lycra and Crotch Guards

Its inevitable.  I have to do it sooner or later.  I am not going to be able to avoid it much longer.  You know what I'm talking about.  The activity that strikes fear in the heart of women everywhere.  Swimsuit shopping.
I have milled through the swimwear sections of several different stores on several different occasions.  It's overwhelming to see all of those itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis in hot pink and flame orange.  I find myself surrounded by strapless suits -- thinking, in your dreams, sister.  Each time I tell myself to just pick up a black one-piece and try it on, damn it.  But every time, I feel a real life panic attack start to creep up on me and I have to walk away.  What is it about the dreaded swimsuit that is so terrifying?  I don't freak out when I browse around Victoria's Secret -- but get me anywhere near Lycra and those weird sticky crotch protector things and I need a Xanax.  Stat.

Why am I so afraid of this?  Maybe it's all of the dumb magazine covers that tell me I need to be working on my bikini body.  Maybe it's just the thought of exposing that much of my body to the general public.  Maybe it's the saggy white skin and flames of stretch marks that cover me from mid-thigh to navel.  Maybe because I have a vision of what I look like in a swimsuit burned into my brain.  That's probably it.

Let me explain -- there were, of course, pictures taken of my son's very first time in a swimming pool.  Obviously, I was there.  Unluckily for me, I was photographed.  I know that I was 75+ pounds heavier then, and had absolutely no muscle mass.  But I still cannot shake the images from my brain.  I'm not ashamed of where I have come from -- I am proud of this journey -- but I am still terrified that I will morph back into that old body if I put a swimsuit on.  What?  You think I'm crazy?  That's funny, I've heard that somewhere before...

Anyway, against all better judgement, I'm going to share the pictures with you -- maybe I am crazy after all (but I was shooting more for brave).  Then maybe you'll understand my fear.

I know that I can't avoid this forever -- I will be the world's worst mom if I don't ever take my kiddo to the water park this summer -- and it seems that scuba suits are hard to come by in Kansas (I'd buy online, but I don't really know what size I wear in neoprene).  Maybe it would be a good idea to drink a few glasses of wine before shopping for swimwear.  Isn't there a quote about that?  Something about buying drunk and returning sober?  Maybe that quote was about writing and editing.  I'm confused.

Splish splash.  Keep the camera away from the pool, for Pete's sake.  And thank you for keeping me In Good Company.

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