If you read my last post, you will know that I have been struggling a lately with the
When I turned on my computer in the morning, I was amazed and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I had received from my friends. It made me realize that it is okay to have a really shitty day every now and then. I am the only person that expects me to have a smile on my face all of the time.
Here are a few samplings from the very sweet words that were shared with me:
"Hey sorry about the slump you are feeling. Been there a lot lately myself." ... "Hoping you get in a better mood soon! I can't wait for fall either!!" ... "Oh, Kelsey, we all have those days, weeks, etc. I bet all those 'little' things have just been adding up over some time, and you know...it is really good to hear I'm not the only one that feels icky sometimes. You don't always have to put on your happy face for everyone, you get your turn to be sad, too!" ... "Everyone is allowed to have a bad day or even week. Its not against the rules. Keep your chin up and it will get better."
I shared with my husband (knowing that it would probably freak him out a bit) that I was fighting a little bout of depression and we discussed several options (including increasing my Lexapro dose), and decided that we would take a short-termed wait-and-see approach to see if I would be able to climb out of my hole without any extra medications. I gently -- and not so gently -- let him know that I would need his patience and understanding for the next few weeks (patience isn't his strong suit... nor is it mine). He very sweetly brought me flowers and a card. I love him.
My parents came to visit for the holiday weekend, which was wonderful. I never feel like I have enough time with them, and their visits to our house are few and far between. The time with them was great, but I still felt like I was unsuccessfully wading in the dark waters of angst (does anyone else feel like I'm writing song lyrics for an emo band?). So much so, that I threw caution to the wind and binged on a delicious trifle dessert that I had made for their visit. I originally wasn't going to blog about this, but I feel like I want to be completely honest with you -- after all, if I am not honest about my journey, how can I help you in yours? After eating more dessert in one weekend than I had in 9 months -- I hate admitting this -- I wanted to purge for the first time in years. Honest to goodness it was hard not to. I didn't do it, but the urge was there... and it was scary.
I almost felt like I was suddenly standing at a fork in the road, one leading back to obesity, one leading back to bulimia. I felt panicked, scared, and overwhelmed. Throughout this entire journey I've been telling people that what has kept me going was a lot of cussing and a lot of praying. I feel like I've got the cussing down, but have been lately lacking in the area of prayer. So, yesterday (even though I really struggle with asking for <and receiving> encouragement from others) I sent a text to a few of my friends that said:
"This is probably really silly... But would you please help me by praying for me? I am super struggling in the area of will power. Specifically in turning down sweets and also with portion control. I'm just afraid I'm going to head in a backwards direction if I keep this up. And I'm feeling like Divine intervention might be necessary. I know, really silly."
I have to say that I am so very blessed to have such a great support system. I could have never imagined the kind words that they would say to me. I am so thankful for them. I want to share with you some of their encouraging messages:
"Not silly at all! I will pray for you!" ... "You are strong and will overcome this. Praying hard. You are loved!" ... "Not silly. I will begin praying for you daily when I sit down for meals. Prayer makes things happen." ... "Not silly at all! Praying right now that God gives you the power over choice! Jump back on the horse my friend and keep on your path. Don't be swayed by the days of perceived disappointment. With your next breath, next bite, start over! But most importantly, God has you covered!" ... "Not silly! YOU are an amazing mentor whether you mean to be or not! You have inspired me for sure... and I know others as well. I think it's awesome that you are asking for help like that, because now the people who have gotten so much strength from you, can turn around and try to help you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You will never be back where you were because you have seen the light and you rock!" ... "Love you girl!" ... "2Timothy 1:7 - God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and love and sound mind." ... "Take it one day at a time." ... "It's not silly... You are allowed to go through thinks like this. We all do. Keep your head up, I know you are doing great and it will get easier. I will pray for you. I am here for you whenever you need me." ... "You can do this, Kels! You have come so darn far and I tell your story when I talk about CrossFit A LOT! You are an inspiration to me and I am not just saying that. With the help of your CrossFit sisters there is NO way you are going to go backwards because we have your back! Lifting you up friend!" ... "I am always here."
Talk about being humbled and being reduced to a huge ball of tears. I have never felt so uplifted, so loved, or so blessed. I could literally feel the prayers of my friends surrounding me, and I still can today. What their messages of encouragement taught me was this: It is okay to ask for help. It is not silly to ask for people to pray for you. You are always stronger than you think (and other people can see your strength more than you can). If you ask for help and prayer, it is nearly impossible to fail. You are not alone.
I feel like I have finally been able to crawl out from under my rock and pull my head out of my ass (as my dad might say), and am finally feeling better today. Because today I choose happiness. Today I choose to be wise. Today I choose to be happy. Today I have been given the strength to have power over choice. I have made wise food choices, have stayed active, and have been reminding myself that I have power over my choices. I do not have to succumb to cravings (hence the reason for the coffee as opposed to diet soda <aka: the hooch>). I do not have to be a victim of myself. I will not climb the same steep hill twice. I have decided to have the attitude of obligation. In one of the messages above, I was told that I am a mentor whether I mean to be or not. If this is true, I had better be a good one. I will not go backwards. I will continue to encourage others with my story (and will work on allowing myself to be more open to the encouragement of others).
I want to encourage you to ask for help if you are struggling. If you are feeling down, let the people around you know. Surround yourself with people who love you, care for you, and who will lift you up. You are loved so much more than you know.
Keep your chin up. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And thank you, more than you will ever know, for keeping me... In Good Company.
P.S. -- It turns out that it wasn't necessary to increase my Lexapro dosage. But because I am almost positive that part of my recent struggle was due to a summer version of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), I did increase my daily vitamin D3 intake from 400IU to 5000IU. The recommended daily intake is 2000IU, but I am taking extra for various health reasons. I can't say enough for the effectiveness of what is commonly referred to as "the sunshine vitamin."