Sunday, June 10, 2012

Probably I'm Lying

Okay, I promise this is the last time I post about swimming suits.  Probably I'm lying.

My bathing suit finally arrived in the mail Friday, and the extra room definitely provided for extra length.  Which is good because the last one made my boobs available for view from outer space.  Since my mom bought it for me, I decided I would send her a picture of myself wearing it so she could see how it looks.

I am not a teenage girl, so I haven't mastered photographing myself in the mirror, so the pictures took some effort.  I finally got a shot of the front that was decent enough to send, so I decided to photograph it from behind (this is really hard to do on your own, by the way).  A word of advice -- don't ever take a picture of your back side in a bathing suit.  I learned today that I, apparently, have two asses that I wasn't aware of before.  Sweet.

I also learned that I should probably have constant supervision.  Maybe I should hire someone to help me not make stupid decisions.

That picture was promptly deleted.  I will say this, I will have nightmares forever.  And I will be purchasing a sarong.


In case you were hoping to see a picture of me in my new suit, I'll buy you a new car to help ease your disappointment.  Probably I'm lying.. again.


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I have still been on the search for a new sports bra.  As I have mentioned before -- probably more times than you are comfortable with -- my boobs just aren't what they used to be.  When you become huge pregnant, have a baby, and then remain obese, your ta-tas tend to grow and stretch with the rest of you.  Mine were stretched out to a very large F and are now on the small side of D.  This shrinkage has resulted in somewhat of a long "grapefruit-in-your-grandpa's-old-tube-sock" effect.  Not kidding -- the other day we were doing Power Snatches in CrossFit and the bar got caught... under my boobs.

Anyway, the sports bras I have been wearing haven't held up well and are no longer providing the support I need (which, I have learned, is probably due to improper care <ie: using fabric softener and putting them in the dryer>).  I have been somewhat terrified that I will give myself a boob related injury (a black eye or bloody nose, perhaps) during Box Jumps and Double-Unders.

I reached out to my fellow fit friends and was given several suggestions for sports bras for busty girls, but the problem is that they are all super expensive.  And when I say super expensive, I mean more than I am willing to pay for something that no one besides me is ever going to see.  However, one of my fellow CrossFitters suggested this very inexpensive Danskin bra:
For more information on this bra, click here.
I purchased the bra, and besides feeling much less comfortable than your standard sports bra (which, for me is a bit of an issue, because I only seem to put on a real bra for church and date nights -- now that's sad....), it seemed to do a fairly decent job of supporting the girls during Yoga and CrossFit.

My concern with it has been that it doesn't provide the coverage of the standard sports bra so I have to be cautious of tank top slippage.  This is a little embarrassing (but when has that ever stopped me from sharing), but I did take a nap with this bra on and while laying on my side, one of my boobs actually fell out of the cup.  I'm not kidding.  This taught me two things.  One: I need new boobs.  Two: I won't be doing side planks next time I teach Yoga.


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So, basically the point of this post is to tell you that I have two asses.  And ugly boobs.  And I need a some new sports bras.  And a sarong.  Wow.

Thank you for keeping me... In Good Company.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Lycra and Crotch Guards: Revisited

So I mentioned before about my near-paralyzing fear of swimming suits.  Because my mom loves me -- and probably more because she was feeling sorry for my son because I wasn't taking him swimming -- she made me pick out a suit online and she ordered it for me.  The process took about 2 hours because I could not picture any of the suits on my body.  Adding to this dilemma were the Photoshopped ladies modeling the suits -- and I might mention that probably none of them have stretched their skin out to the point that their tummies, thighs, and boobs look like 2-week-old deflated helium balloons.  Anyway, I chose a modest one-piece (in black, of course) from Speedo, we took my measurements and placed the order. 
Front View

Back View


I waited in terrified anticipation until it finally arrived in the mail.  I opened the package, was nauseated by the scent of the lycra and spandex, and hurriedly tried it on -- for fear that I would lose my courage.  It didn't fit.  It wasn't unbearable tight, but it was unbearably short.  I had an entire Interstate of cleavage hanging out the top -- and this is a tough feat to accomplish, seeing as how my boobies don't start nearly as high as they once did.  I am not excessively tall, but apparently I have a freakishly long torso.  This is new information for me.

So, I sent the suit back and re-ordered the same one in a larger size.  It's quite hard to find a cute swimming suit sized for a long torso -- and I am super not ready for a bikini.  It should arrive tomorrow and I am hoping the extra room will provide me some extra length (in the mean time, I have just been hanging out in running shorts in the back yard while my son splashes in his baby pool).  If not, I have already picked out what I will order next.

Do you think the other moms at the pool will look at me funny?
This one might be better because it will keep my hair dry --
which will help me to not have to do the mom-style giraffe neck thing.

Be brave, get a wet suit.  And thanks for keeping me In Good Company.