Monday, December 9, 2013

Black Saturday

I don’t shop on Black Friday.  Not in the get up at the devil’s hour and punch someone in the face for a new toaster sort of way anyway.  I firmly believe there is no sale good enough to make it worth getting out of bed that early.  After filling myself full of tryptophan and wine, the last thing I want to do is stand too close to strangers who are loaded up on gravy and caffeine.
Even Daisy was exhausted after all that Turkey!

My mother-in-law and I did a bit of shopping the day after Thanksgiving at a few of our favorite locally owned boutiques, which was decidedly crowd-free and delightful.  She found two cute pairs of shoes, I found a few sweaters, and told her I wouldn’t try on any of the jeans because my ass isn’t worth $100.
The real shop-a-pallooza happened on Saturday with my mom and sister.  We knew the huge sales were over, but we also knew we would have all of our eyes and teeth at the end of the day, so we felt good about spending a few extra dollars.  Ber got up early, my mom and I didn’t, and we headed to Joplin to shop the day away, but not before heading to my dad’s work to say hello.  Okay, we didn’t just go to say hello.  My dad had a mole removed from his cheek the week before, and let’s just say that stitches are no match for ole Fireball.  There was one lone stich stuck in his face that my sister, the nurse, had to remove.  It was starting out to be an adventurous day.
As he was seeing us off, my dad gave us this advice: “Have fun.  Be careful.  Pay attention.  Don’t get tasered.”  “DID YOU JUST SAY ‘DON’T GET TASERED?!’” I said.  I’m not even sure we gave him a chance to rebuttal before we all burst into the kind of laughter that would rival any ab workout the P90X guy could show me.  We laughed until we were wiping tears from our cheeks.

We were pretty goofy and giggly anyway because we never get out of the house without men or children (or man-children).  So beginning the day with a big belly laugh just added to our enthusiasm.

Our first stop was at large chain book store.  I was looking for an elf for my son.  But not the traditional Elf on the Shelf with his creepy murderous eyes.  I was in search for a Christopher Pop-In-Kins.  This is the conversation with a sales clerk, who, I might add, was probably voted most likely to grow illegal crops and live off of Mountain Dew and Doritos Locos Tacos.

Me: “Hi, I’m looking for a Christopher Pop-In-Kins.”
more silence
akward silence
more akward silence
me wondering if maybe she’s stoned
me wondering if maybe she’s deaf
me wondering if maybe she’s stoned and deaf
Clerk: “Um…. What?”
Me: “A Christopher Pop-In-Kins.  It’s like Elf on the Shelf but not as creepy.”
Clerk: “A what?  Um… I don’t know.”
Ber: “Here, I’ll look it up.  Maybe the knowing the author would help.”
Clerk: “Yeah, that would – WOAH!  You guys look a LOT alike.”
Me: “We’re sisters.”
Clerk: “Are you, like, twins or something?”
Me: “Nope.  Just sisters.”
Clerk: “Are you SURE you aren’t twins?”
Me: “Um, pretty sure.”
Mom: “I can attest to the fact that they are not twins.”
Clerk: “Geez… you look so much alike it’s reDICulous.”
Ber: “Well here’s what the cover looks like, but I can’t find the author.”
Clerk: “What were we looking for again?”
Ber and Me: “Christopher Pop-In-Kins.”
Clerk: “Oh.  I’ll check.”
Clerk: now on the phone “Hold on.  What?  Yeah we have that.  How much is it?  I dunno.  Prolly, like, around, $16.  Do you want it?”  Hanging up the phone “Geez.  She ordered a book but didn’t know how much it was and doesn’t know if she wants it now.  Pssssh… I’ll send it back.  I don’t even care.”
Me: “Bummer”
Clerk: “No we don’t have it.”
For the record, Ber and I do resemble each other.  But we certainly are not twin-like – although we walk, talk, and move the same so that could maybe creep someone out – like the guy at the liquor store one time that I convinced she and I were not related, but had only just met that day.

Anyway, I finally chose a stuffed elf that wasn’t creepy.  It doesn’t have pose-able arms, but I felt like it was worth the compromise -- Little K has named him Elfie (in unrelated news, I'm not at all concerned about my son's lack of creativity).

Coffee.  Extra espresso.

Our next stop was Target.  There may have been talk about landing a bird in the bathroom, and itchy butt holes.

Next was a smaller clothing store where we staged this picture to send to my Dad with the caption, "Oh shit!  Kelsey got tasered!":

And took this picture to prove to my husband that my leopard phone case is not, in fact, camouflage:

Coffee.  Lunch.  Cookies.  More shopping.  More coffee.

I made my sister try on this horrible outfit.  We decided that the jacket wasn’t really all that bad once it was off the hanger.  But it certainly wasn’t $119 cute.  Those awful pants were priced the same, they weren’t cute on or off the hanger.

Our last stop was at a sporting goods super store where I was in search of a hunting something or other for my husband.  I picked out a weight belt as one of my presents from my parents.  It’s pink, and I can’t wait to use it.  However a bitchy sales girl looked at me while I was trying it on and said, “You know that’s for lifting heavy weights, right?”  I just smiled and looked away.  Because if I would have spoken I might have told her that I was only buying it because I thought it would look cute with my new purse.

More coffee.  Delirium.

During the 30 minute drive back to my parents’ house, Ber jokingly called me a snatch basket.  So I called her a twat waffle.  I thought my mom was going to choke on her spit at this point.  But, what surprised me the most is when my, usually fairly reserved, sister said: pink velvet sausage wallet.  I think the only time I’ve ever laughed harder was earlier in the day when my dad told us not to get tasered.  I spit back something that was much too crude to post here.  But it made my mom’s face turn red.

Wrapping presents.  Cold Thanksgiving leftovers.  Laughter.  Sore stomach muscles.

Chatter.  More laughter.  Sore throats from laughter.  Aching feet from twelve hours of shopping.  Falling into bed exhausted.
Perfect day.

1 comment:

  1. Happiness <3
    Glad you had a great time with family!!!


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