Friday, October 24, 2014

Kelsey Lately: Awkward Happenings

I am not shy.  I am anxious and incredibly socially awkward – and proficient in the language of sarcasm – but I was not blessed with shyness.  Instead I was cursed born with chronic-can’t-shut-up-itis.  The more nervous I get, the more the words just pour out of my mouth (that is, unless the anxiety gets bad enough that I just completely shut down and stop talking, but that’s a whole other topic).  In a weird twist of personality quirks, I am also like this when I am completely comfortable and at ease around someone.

Kelsey Lately: Awkward Happenings
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I am not always funny when I think I am – in fact, many of the jokes I tell are awarded eye rolls instead of laughter.  And, unfortunately, the best one-liners I have ever come up with have been 15 minutes too late.  But sometimes, just sometimes, my brain and mouth work together simultaneously.  And it is nothing if not entertaining.

So, in no particular order, I present you with snippets of weird/sarcastic/awkward conversations.  Because, as Robert Frost said, “If we couldn’t’ laugh, we would all go insane.”

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{Leaving a grocery store one May, with baby shower balloons in hand, my sister and I passed a group of scouts selling hot dogs.  The leader of the troop said to us, “Hey, you can’t go to graduation without a hot dog!”  It struck me as odd, because (a) we had baby-stroller balloons, and (b) why does graduation require hot dogs?  Also, I hate being sold things – mostly because I’m a total sucker and will buy things I don’t need. I looked at the man and said, “These balloons are for a funeral.  Our mom was a clown.”

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{My parents were visiting one weekend.  On the second night, as everyone headed to bed, I asked them if they had slept well the night before and if they needed anything.  My dad said they didn’t need anything, but that no he hadn’t slept well because it was too quiet in that spare bedroom without a fan.  I said, “Shall I sit on the floor and hum?”

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{At a casual dinner gathering one evening, a girlfriend told us her retirement plans included exploring the country for a year, while living in a recreational vehicle with her husband.  Camping and feeling trapped are such high stress situations for me that the simple thought of being stuck in a camper for days/weeks/months at a time makes me feel short of breath.  I said, “I’m afraid if I was in a travel trailer for a year with Mr. B, you would see me on an episode Snapped!”  The guy sitting next to me, whom I barely knew, eyed me warily, scooted his chair away, and said, under his breath, “Awkward…”
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{Me: In case you were curious, I can walk up all of our stairs just on my knees.
Mr. B: What?  Just, what?
Me: I was curious if I could walk up all of our stairs just using just my knees.  And I can.
Mr. B:  Why?
Me:  You know, in case I ever lose my lower legs in a terrible accident at like a carnival or something.  Don’t you ever think about things like that?
Mr. B: ………
Me: You don’t?
Mr. B: What is wrong with you?

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{Me: You know who I feel sorry for?                
Mr. B: Who?
Me: Thanksgiving.
Mr. B: What?
Me:  Thanksgiving!  Christmas steals all the thunder.  People just go straight from Halloween to Christmas and forget to be thankful.
Mr. B: Alright.

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{Walking in a tightly-packed crowd at a recent craft show, I overheard the woman behind me, who was a complete stranger, saying, “I need to tell Dharma’s daughter hi.  Don’t let me forget to say hi to her.  I can’t, for the life of me remember what her name is, but I know she has a booth here.  I work with Dharma at the retirement center.  Gosh I wish I could think of her name.”  In an act helpfulness, I turned around, touched her arm and said, “Fanning.”  “Um, excuse me?” the woman said.  “Fanning.  Dharma’s daughter’s name is Fanning.”  “Oh.  Uh.  Maybe.”  “Okay, well I hope you find her and say hi.”  The woman was clearly freaked out.  I suppose a complete stranger who was eavesdropping on your conversation who turns around, touches you, and says a random word at you could be cause for alarm.  Lucky for me we wound up seeing that same woman at least 20 times throughout the remainder of the day.  I kept giving her my best, I’m-really-not-a-weirdo smile.  I’m pretty sure she thought I was stalking her. 

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{When we were younger, my sister was extremely easy to embarrass.  To the point that it became a game of trying to mortify her.  Riding in her car while wearing Billy-Bob teeth and smiling at people she knew was a clear favorite of mine.  Another was walking away from her in public places, and when she least expected for it, I would call for her by standing on one leg, flapping my arms and screeching “BAAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAW!!!”  I have no idea why she hated me and felt like I was such an annoyance.  I was clearly mature beyond my years.

Kelsey Lately: Awkward Happenings
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{Mr. B was in the shower right after I had replaced our loofahs.  Typically I buy a pink and a blue to make it easier for him to distinguish which one belongs to him, but those choices aren’t always available.  I hear him yell from the shower, “Hey!  What color am I?”  “Um, white?” I responded.  “No.  What color am I?”  “You’re white!”  “Rooney, no.  What color am I?”  “What in the hell is wrong with you?  You’re white.  Why are you asking?”  “Babe.  The new loofahs.  What color am I?”  “Ooooooh.  Yellow.  You are yellow.

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{At CrossFit my coach was helping me do a shoulder mobility exercise on the gymnastics rings called Skin the Cat.  I was having trouble getting it when, while upside down, I lost my balance, nearly kicked him in the face, and in an act of verbal diarrhea, I yelled, “Oh shit balls!”  “Did you just say ‘shit balls’?” he asked.  “I think so.

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{While warming up on the rowing machines at CrossFit, a fellow (male) CrossFitter told me that I looked like I had lost some weight.  Instead of saying thank you like a normal person, I said, “Have I told you I loved you?”  Looking startled, he responded, “Um, no?  No… No.”

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{Another time at CrossFit, in a moment of excitement while trying to cheer on a new CrossFitter who was really struggling through a tough WOD, I said, “Come on!  You can do it!  Make that bar your bitch!”  First of all, not sure where that came from.  Second of all, the man is. a. pastor.  I told a man of God to make the bar his bitch.  I said that, with my mouth.  Fortunately he turned out to be one of my favorite CrossFit friends, who turned out to also be a fan of dropping colorful word bombs during workouts.

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{I have an assortment of scars on my body, some large some small.  The vast majority of them are from moles that an over-zealous general surgeon removed after my sister was diagnosed with skin cancer.  The largest of them is on my bicep and, due to the development of keloid, is quite noticeable.  I like to tell people that it’s a gunshot wound.  I also have a rather large scar on the right side of my forehead.  The first time I was introduced to Mr. B’s cousin Z, he asked how I got the “sweet scar” on my face.  The sweet scar is several inches long, though it has faded with age, it used to be pretty prominent.  “I was in a bar fight.” I told him.  “Are you serious?” he asked.  “Yeah.  I was totally winning until the guy smashed a beer bottle over my head.  Sliced right into my forehead.”  “Oh my God!  That’s crazy!”  Obviously I told him I was kidding and confessed that it was from a car accident I was in as a toddler.

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{One evening, I danced through the living room in with a hip-shaking gliding move, while singing some Maroon 5.  Mr. B looked at me with a look drenched with fear and amusement.  “What in the hell are you doing?”  “Um... I’ve got moves like Jagger,” I said, “Duh.

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I suppose if the purpose of this post was to affirm your opinion that I’m peculiar, I have probably succeeded.  But really, my point was to encourage you to tell your embarrassing stories and to embrace your weirdness.  There is so much freedom, and pleasure, in being exactly who you are.

Kelsey Lately: Awkward Happenings
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Be awkward.  Say weird things.  And thank you for keeping me In Good Company.




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1 comment:

  1. If you weren't weird, we wouldn't be friends. Word.

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