Monday, January 26, 2015

Butt-Crack Stretch Marks

A few weeks ago, as my shirt rode up my back, Little K took notice of the stretch marks that cover my impressive muffin-top.

Mom, what are those?”
What are what?”
Those… lines on you.  On your skin.”

The accurate answer of how skin stretches sometimes and leaves little scars didn’t even come close to entering my brain.  Because, science.  Obviously.

Well, buddy, when mommies have babies, God gives us awards on our skin.  So after I became your mommy, I got these blue ribbons as a prize.  Because mommies are special and these awards help me remember that.”
Oh.  I have one of those.”
What?  You do not.”
Yes I do.”
No you do not have any stretch marks.”
I do too!  It’s right here!”

At this point, Little K bends over, spreads his cheeks apart, and points right at his butt-crack.

See mom?!?!”

Laughing hysterically, I wasn’t even able to reply to him.  It was hilarious, adorable, and innocent all at once.  And I couldn’t figure out if he thinks maybe I’m really covered in butt-cracks all over.

Mistakenly, at Little K’s well-child check, I told the pediatrician this story.  The pediatrician who, while an excellent doctor, has an incredibly dry sense of humor – if any at all.  The awkward – and laugh-less – silence that filled the room caused me to begin immediately and profusely sweating.  He cleared his throat, quietly thanked us for coming, and quickly left.

I suppose not everyone thinks I am as funny as I do.  The internet might be included in this.  Because, as you might notice, I wasn’t able to find any applicable stock photos in a search for “covered in butt-cracks”, “too many butt-cracks”, or “butt-crack stretch marks”.

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